Where is the best city in the USA for a single parent to live?

Scott and Lili react to a surprising list of the best places for single parents to live (not a surprise: they have thoughts!) and Lili relays her kids' response to some of Scott's comments in earlier episodes. Spoiler alert: they were not happy. 

Here is the link to the list we talk about: https://unitedwaynca.org/blog/best-housing-markets-for-single-parents/

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Transcript

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So this week we're going to hear the reactions of Lili's kids to some of our previous episodes, which is fascinating. And then I'm bringing a list that I found of the most desirable places in the country for a single parent to live. And we have some very interesting thoughts on the subject. So let's get started. I'm Lili, single mom to teen twins mother! I'm recording in here. And I'm Scott, single dad to a pre-teen boy. It's under the. Sink. We're two old friends trying to navigate single parenting. And spending the whole time thinking, I hope I don't fuck this up. We now have ten episodes out, and we haven't really talked about any of the responses yet. And what I think it's so funny is that your kids are offended. Oh, they were so offended. I mean, obviously affected by the parenting that they've had. But like when they heard that your son has has to get like you're sleeping and he has to get himself up, showered and ready before you woke up, they're like, what a terrible parent. Like, why wouldn't he get up with his kid? He's ten years old. I can't believe that. And I was like, well, maybe you love your mother more now. See, I'm here to make you go. How many times have I said, I'm here to make you look good? But no, I you're in my defense. In my defense. I worked till about 1 or 2:00 in the morning. So, you know, I have I in order for me to do my job. And because I am there when he gets home, you know, 345 and I spend an hour or two with him when he gets home, every day. And there's all this other time in the day that I'm spending with him, and I'm working till 1:00 in the morning. I need to sleep till 730. Otherwise, you know, 6.5 hours. I can't really do a lot less than that. He wakes up at 630 every morning on his own. And I told him, listen, you're going to wake up at 630. I'm not getting up with you like I'm sorry. I'm just not getting up with you. What age was he when you told him that? When he was nine. I saw that when he was nine. I said, if you're going to get up that early, it's just I. Because I'm dead all day. Like I have to work so late that it's just not doable for me. And then that turned into, hey, do you think you could take a shower? And he's like, sure. So he started taking the shower. So it wasn't like I like, sat him down one day. It was like, daddy's sleeping in. You're on your own, kid. You're on your own, little man. You are. I want you regimented every morning, showered and eaten. I make him breakfast most mornings. But my kids were super offended at your, lazy parenting. And they even said that they wanted to be guests on the show to, like, stand up for other, for themselves as teenagers and for other teenagers because they were, you know, they thought your cliched, thoughts about teenagers were just the worst. Bring them. I love that if we if I can't be cliche, then what am I like? I don't know, and. That's. Horrible. What was it that they were reacting to? Gosh, I can't remember exactly what, like, had, like, enraged them. The thing about periods enraged my son. Previously on Hope. I don't fuck this up. It just made me think of when I tell women that they're acting the way they're acting, because they're on their period outlook, and the the last thing any woman ever wants to be told is that their emotions are invalidated because of their horror methods. And I think letting go of that was such a game changer for me, and how I dealt with women in general. And it came from just having mostly female friends and seeing the, you know, having real conversations about. I want to apologize on Scott's behalf to every girlfriend or spouse he's ever had. I wasn't and didn't mean it. I didn't say it. I did it in my I. I let go of it in my 20s. I'm not saying it was up till like last year, but I think I'm going to be honest about it. And a flashback. Look that enraged. It enrages me like my as. I just said it as it's I. Mean, it can be not. I mean, the thing I do want to point out is we should be allowed as people to grow. We didn't really come out fully formed. Yeah. You know, we didn't have, you know, perfect enlightened instruction growing up. We learn as we go in the way you learn, part of how you learn is being allowed to have failed and being allowed to change. Other people just aren't putting it on the path. That's. But but I am. I'm fine tuning on the podcast and just telling people please have grace for people in in process. We're all in process, and that means that past you is going to be embarrassing to you. And probably, you know, you would probably cancel past you. But, but that doesn't that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it. I think we should always have grace to talk about how unenlightened we used to be. He was offended mostly by how late you were. You were enlightened. He's like when he was talking about that, I thought that he was going to say like, oh, I didn't say that after, like, you know, I was like, you know, ten or 12 or 30. He's like, but he was in his 20s. Kids today have and I'm saying kids today, like the crotchety old man, I see why they have they have no idea of what kind of environment we grew up in. Like, it is so different. The level of like, sort of emotional intelligence was a dirty. Word. When I was growing up, especially for, for men, like the shift in the past 20 years and what always gets me is that I was part of that shift. You know, I was leaning into that shift. I was like, believing wholeheartedly in it and growing with it. And now the fact that I, like, grew up at a time where I wasn't taught that I had to teach myself. It's like yelling at the person who had to teach themself how to read, that they didn't know how to read when they got. You should have let us know that you couldn't read when you were five. I will say, and this is knowing that I don't know your kids at all, I don't. So no indictment of them, I'm sure. But, I do think there's not that understanding of how different that of how different it is. It is a very quick to sort of, kind of judge that. Yeah. And the one thing I that I would love to be able to work on to me, that's the next thing to work on is just to try to pull up and down older, younger, the, the judgment in general, because we are all just so quick to judge. And, What we saw there. Yes. Yes, yes and yes. And there are some things that, you know, generally generationally that there are some things that are condemnable. And I'm thinking because we just had an election and there's all kinds of horrible things happening in our political life, in our country in general. But thinking about like, Nazi stuff, like there is no forgiveness for anything that. I'm not a Nazi apologist. I no, no, no, I'm just saying, like, there is an interesting case that you're making for like, forgiveness about bad past behavior. And I guess that comes with real contrition. Like, you realize that you did something that was wrong and that you, you know, you would never do it again. And you understand why it's wrong and you move on. And then there's some things we absolutely can judge people for doing in the past. Did that. All right. Not entirely forgivable. Well, how about we switch gears completely? And, talk about this list that I found that, I think is really interesting. I really want to get your thoughts on it. So there is a list of the best U.S. cities for single parent home ownership. So it's the top five and then the worst five. And so these are housing markets for single parents. The best place where you're going to get the most support as a single parent. And it was a really interesting list because it is not what I expected. So what would you think the best area in the country would be to be a single parent? I think it's here. I mean, we're talking about home ownership and that like is not a thing here. Guess you don't. I mean that that is definitely true and that is a part of this. But it's also it's about resources. It's about, babysitting, affordable babysitting. It's about unemployment rate. So I mean, there is cost of living. So keep that in mind. Cost of living does matter. So let me pick a let me pick five I'd say. Yeah. What are your what would you think the five would be. I'd say New York. Philadelphia. Yeah Seattle. Are we all city or is it metro area? These are all cities. Okay. So New York, Philly, Seattle, maybe like, a Kansas City and let's say Dallas. So you out of the top ten, you got one, right? It's a good job. And many of the ones you mentioned are in the bottom ten. Now have to take all of these things with a grain of salt. This is about being able to be a single parent and afford to live and raise your child. So cost of living is is really important. And so that's going to actually knock off a lot of the places that you mentioned. Just because the cost of living is so high. But. I will say cost of living high when income is high also, but well. And that's thing like cost of living lower. But, you know, some of these places this is trying to find the sweet spots. So, according to this list and by the way, this is at the I'll put the link in the in the comments so that you can see it, but it's the United Way, website. The top city is Birmingham, Alabama. Oh. Okay. Yeah. And it's because it has the second lowest babysitting fee, $15 an hour. Lowest, third, lowest unemployment rate out of all of these cities in the country. Birmingham has a very low unemployment rate, low property taxes. Cost of living is obviously lower. And it's very supportive. There's a lot of, services. And I think what you'll find here is we look through and we forget some of the best places are going to be the little blue havens inside of the red states, because you get the low cost of living, but you get the support. But these are the rest of them. Salt Lake City was number two. I can see that. Yeah, I definitely see that New Orleans was number three. Indiana Opolis was number four. Number five is Tampa, Florida. Numbers. I don't get that right. Oh, you said 12. No, I did out of the top ten. Kansas City was number eight. So, you got. And guess what? Number one, worst city. New York City. Is New York City. Why? Because, well, at number two is Los Angeles. For Los Angeles, the median income for a single parent is under $50,000. Wow. And, property taxes are high. Childcare costs are crazy. So, yeah, when you look at the the worst five, it's like it's New York. It's I take, so here's my link, their socioeconomic take on it. There's a way more socio that I like to consider than economic that I would want to consider when choosing a place. So a I would never want to be in Birmingham, Alabama. Although I did interview for a job down there ages ago and I thought, could I do it? I will tell you, I my, my accountant lives in Birmingham, Alabama, and he loves it. And he, I, you know, he was my accountant in New York, and he moved to Alabama with his wife. He loves it. So I think sometimes there's, like, these blue havens, cities, can have this really great kind of mix of both worlds. But it is true. You then drive 45 minutes out of town. And where are you? You're in Alabama. I don't even think you have to go 45 minutes. I sure like you drive ten minutes. I worked for a long time, with the company that was headquartered in Knoxville, Tennessee. And it is the tiniest, tiniest of blue dots. That doesn't mean you're protected from any of the red. That's down there. You know, my my dad's Iranian. And, one time when I went there to the airport, you know how when a driver picks you up, you give them, they have your name. And so my driver, Everett, had my sign, and he and I saw him, and I got, you know, we're walking to his car, and he's like, what in the name is that? And I was like, my, you know, it's Iranian. And he said, he told me I spoke real good English for an Iranian. And I was like, yep. Oh, man. Like, there's a lot of like, I've had this, it's not a conversation because it's a monologue. I've had this conversation with myself a lot, like, where can I go? That's like, yeah, better, that's cheaper. That's, you know, I live in an apartment. And like, I've questioned that over the years when my kids have been little, like, do I want to go somewhere where we have more space and what do we need? And there's always been the, the complicating factor of work, like my line of work is only available in a couple of cities. And, you know, with since the pandemic, like there's more remote work, but that's going away slowly. It's being eroded, you know, it really is. So for me, like, I can only live a couple of places and do what I do. And so I've made the best of it. So like, you compromise it, I see these I don't think they're there. It makes a lot of sense, these lists, because they're only taking into consideration, a mathematical idea. Well, I mean, this list is about affordability and, you know, and affordability is a mix of cost of living but also resources. So that's why, you know, you're not seeing Mississippi on this list, right? Like Mississippi has got, I think, one of the lowest cost of living, in Oklahoma like these these places have very low cost of living. But they have no social services at all. Yeah. So there's nothing to help you. So it's like it's. Not finding that. It's not only that to like, it's, you know, where are you going to send your kids to school. And who are they going to be friends with when they get there? You know, I when I thought about that. So there was there are people that I knew who had gone there. And all the same thing happens in Knoxville where, you know, the the company that I worked for had very, very liberal like media company, but all of them had to then send their kids to private school so that because the, you know, the public school system is in many of these states, bottom of the list. Well, yeah, I mean, that's like once again, I think there are places with great public schools. It's just Salt Lake City is probably like, if I had to pick of that list, I might pick Salt Lake City. Yeah, I wouldn't mind I wouldn't mind New Orleans just because I love New Orleans. But I mean, I do know the school system is is a problem. And the weather is a problem. Like. Oh yeah, that's that. But like, is that where you want to buy a house? Like, is there going to be a hurricane that's going to and that's like a not small consideration that I don't obviously, like doesn't get factored into a list like this, but it gets factored into like a real human person's decision. Yeah. I mean, it's it just shows how how difficult it is in general to get a family in this damn country. Yeah. Like the fact that, you. Know. I mean, own a home is is becoming so hard like, but, I this is an interesting list, by the way. Just just a throw in here. The cities with the highest rated public schools speaking to your, that are on this list, Raleigh, North Carolina, has an A-plus public school. I mean, you know, North Carolina is off, and I think a nice I know a lot of people that have moved down there. North Carolina. Yeah. My ex, my ex keeps trying to get me to move there. Tampa, Florida is actually on this list of really high rated public schools. Tampa has some high rated public schools. So if you want to be hurricanes up, but, but be in Tampa. But more importantly than all of that, it's like for me, being a single parent isn't about what also what I can afford. It's my support network. And where do they live and and where are my parents? And like, I can't move to Raleigh, North Carolina because then worse, you know, I don't get my mom and my brother and I need that more than I need out of this extra extra. The other the other indices that are in there, I mean, I, I agree with that. But also I think what, you know, what I was alluding to is like, you make you, you make different choices depending where you are. So like where do you want to be? Right? So I, I've decided that I want to be here because, you know, my kid's dad is here and my my family isn't close, but they're close enough that I can drive. But this is where I want to be for work and for cultural reasons and for sociological reasons. And so the choices I make are different. So when they were little, we didn't get a babysitter, a lot of SAG. So I had a special occasion babysitter. And because they are we we found somebody who was like $20 an hour. That is part of your going out fee that can't afford a babysitter. And if not, you don't go out. And for us, like we're in a two bedroom apartment and our kids have always shared a room and that's the, you know, sacrifice that they've had to make. But me too. And so we've chosen we've obviously we you you have to make choices that align with like, what you actually want. And it's not it can't just be this is like a, you know, where we've put down in a, on a map where you should live or where it would be easiest for you to live because easy is so hard to define. I mean, and this is it's not a insignificant point. It's like when you take a human out of a list like this, you almost immediately lose the utility of, oh, it's like less. Well, I will say just I, I didn't see this before. These are the ranking factors in this list, okay. Right. It's factors where where the percentage of single parents that are homeowners. So what kind of group around there are single parent homeowners. Home to home price to income ratio for single parents okay. Number of FHA loans per 10,000 residents. So how likely are you to get a loan your annual child care costs, the FHA loan? Sorry, but go on. Yeah, sorry. What did I say? I thought I said. Is what you said. So it's not just likelihood of to get a loan. It's an FHA. An FHA loan. Yes. Annual child care costs, unemployment rate, property tax rate, public school ratings is part of this, annual cost of a babysitter. Average homeowner's insurance rate, and cost of living index. So there are a lot of factors, in the list. So I think what I find helpful for these lists is that maybe if your parents die and now suddenly the thing that was keeping you in your home is now gone, and you or your job is remote and or or you have a job opportunity and an area that, you know, like you did with Birmingham. I think one thing list like this can do is at least spark conversation of, are there options because we close ourself up to these options with our assumptions sometimes of like, I've been making fun of Alabama so much my entire life that it's become this like rote thing of I'm going to make fun of Alabama. And then my account moves to Alabama and loves it. And he's. It's racist and backward, but you have to work for. It's a whole state. And there are urban urban areas in general tend to have different, make ups than rural areas. My, my my mom grew up in Virginia, in a more rural part of Virginia. And yet she's only 40 minutes away from Alexandra Aja, which is a very different make up in Virginia, like. And if you were to compare, you know, the the town she grew up in, Alexandria to each other, they would be so offended that you would even loop, you know, loop them together. Yes. I would say 45 minutes in Virginia is far. And also like a lot of my family is in Pennsylvania, like they're in the, the southeast corner, which is most of it super liberal. But like we see what happens in Pennsylvania at politically. So for me it's like, okay, you might have a you might be able to create like a core network that is aligned with your political beliefs, but it doesn't take away the fact that, like, let's say, your son becomes a teenager and not somebody up in Alabama like, and they she wants an abortion. What are you going to do? Do you live in Alabama? There's Confederate flags, like flying not far from where my my family lives in Pennsylvania. Like, you go the tiniest bit west, and I mean, like a half an hour, 40 minutes. And there are Confederate flags flying and, like, I don't want any part of it. I grew up in Westchester, New York, and you drive 45 minutes north and you also find Confederate flag. I know, I know, I know. And when I drive through mid Connecticut, the the signs that I see in mid Connecticut, I feel like I could be in the South, except with. This as a problem. Anyway, I know I sometimes I just a lot of times I think we like to regionalize issues that are just so urban and rural and that seems to be the demarcation line. And so it's almost like move to a state where there's more urban than rural, so that you have a stronger voice in what the like, kind of the state's laws are. But you're not going to escape it completely. Let's leave it there. Let's, let's say our goodbyes and enjoy our lovely February weather. And I think we should ask people like if they are single parents listening here, like, where do you live? And is it good? Like it does it a like any of it aligned with what this list is, or is there somebody out somewhere else that they didn't consider? Thanks for watching. Don't forget to subscribe! Viva like or crazy comment. We'd love to hear from you and see you again soon.